Can You Take Coaching from a Rubbish Bin?

When I was in “facilitator school” I remember the leader suggested that we should all be open to receiving coaching from anybody, anywhere, in any situation going so far as to say “you should be willing to get coaching from a garbage can” - while I got the theory that was the end of it. I have observed in myself and others, particularly those in the management consulting, training and coaching industry is an ever diminishing list of people & philosophies that we are open to listening to & learning from.

The last 18 months of my life has been a complete hell.  Other than very serious health issues or the loss of someone special I can’t think of anything being harder.   Words cannot describe the inner and outer turmoil I have experienced since mid 2009 until around October.  A complete loss of confidence, complete loss of passion, huge mounting debt, and creditors continually on my tail with no means to appease them, depression, sadness, anger, eating terribly, gained a huge much weight, no clarity and an unbearable amount of stress over a prolonged period of time which resulted in significant sleep problems.  I was lost, disconnected and profoundly lonely (professionally).  At my wits end, one day for no particular reason I asked out loud ‘what am I going to do”?  The answer that came to me might have been from within me but I am not sure to be honest but it came in the form of a question…”who is the last person on earth you would take advice from”?

The answer was clear to me.  We all have people in our lives that we rarely listen to; some of them we have completely written off, particularly when it comes to listening to their advice.  I saw this person’s face and I immediately remembered the last time they had offered advice / direction – it was in the form of an email.  So I immediately went to my deleted files in Outlook and found the message.  Without even a second of hesitation I acted on the advice. To make a long story short that one action was life changing.  It led to a series of fortunate events and connections that have completely transformed my life.  A few days later I asked another similar question “Who else’s advice have I dissed”?  Again I immediately recalled another email that I binned without replying, found it and acted on it resulting in another series of small miracles.  There is so much more to say about what I have been through (to help others) and where I am now going but I will leave that for another time (first two blogs we're way too long).

No matter how enlightened one may think they are – we are all operating in a finite and fixed cultural meme, way of thinking, belief system, view of the world and if things are really crap for a prolonged period of time there is no way out other than complete collapse of the structures we currently operate in. More often than not the impetus for the hard but needed collapse of the old to allow for the new is going to come from outside your current thinking.

So if you are going through a life change, resisting or need one - you might ask a rubbish bin “where to from here”?

Love Joe

Why Do We See Everything As Separate?

I was at a meeting with a client the other day discussing ideas to help them improve their safety performance.  In an effort to move on from the historical baggage around the topic of safety, I have tried over the years to make it sexier and more compelling for people by introducing the concepts of valuing people, their safety and their wellbeing as a means to improve the culture and performance.  I also did this to transcend the inherited and predisposed views on safety.  In the middle of my presentation a senior manager piped up with something to this effect:   “What does wellbeing have to do with safety”?  “Anyway we ran a health program last year (ticked that box) and this year is about safety”.  I was gob-smacked.  While I understand all cultural meme’s have a unique view of the world – I have to admit I was taken aback by what I perceived as an inability to see the relationship between things.

The very next day I was at another client meeting with a career safety professional who was planning a safety conference and we were kicking around ideas as to what might make the biggest difference for those in attendance.  He proudly exclaimed his mission within this construction company was to “operationalize safety”… but then sadly added that he felt those in operational / delivery roles were scared of that prospect.  I nearly fell off my chair. I could not believe that after decades of being in this industry – people had not yet operationalised such a critical key result area or function into their standard operating procedures. (Note … I’m talking about safety here, but please fill in the blank with whatever risk / opportunity area you are grappling with improving and see if the same applies).

From where I sit too many companies (most?) have a separated and myopic approach to risk management.  In the beginning, construction companies were initially driven by time and cost….then the quality movement…then safety moved up the food chain…then came community, environment, local employment, cultural heritage, sustainability, don’t impact client operations, traffic management and the list goes on and on and on.  Projects are harder to deliver in this day and age because there is less time, less money, far less resources and please while you are at it don’t hurt anyone and we expect you to also get continually better at all the other key result areas.  It’s like as time moved on and a new risk area emerged, we gave it a name, found the right resources to deal with it, and pretty much abdicated responsibility for that risk to a chosen few – relegating them to a career that can be best described as lone individuals baying at the moon trying to get others to comply.

Why do we see everything as separate? 

Is there any KRA that does not impact another or the whole?  If we are so tight for resources, then why don’t we dismantle the professional silos and give everyone accountability and responsibility for the whole?  Doing what we are doing now is not sustainable on so many levels.  For as we move further into the 21^st century what likelihood is there that there will be no more emerging risks?  So the standard organization will just have to get bigger and bigger, more disenfranchised well meaning and talented professionals working in isolation, trying to move an even larger beast to compliance.  Sound like fun?

We had an election on the weekend here in Victoria, Australia.  After 11 years of a State Labor government - the Liberals returned to power.  Ho hum!  Without getting into political allegiances – I am bored to death with the options.  In most western developed countries, there are arguably two, maybe three choices.  Countries of reference - Canada, USA & Australia.  You have 1) Conservative – Republican – Liberal or 2)  Liberal – Democrat – Labour.  I’m not a political scientist or an economist but from where I sit, conservatives are more fiscally conservative at the expense of what is “right” socially and the other party is more progressive, usually brings about reform but can’t balance a budget to save their lives.  So the cycle goes on and on and on.  Sweeping changes but poor fiscal performance followed by social ineptitude but tighter financial performance.  In recent times the Greens (third option) have emerged as serious players, but their agenda for reform is so strong and not at all grounded in what is financially viable given the nature of the financial beast we have created.  So what to do?  While I personally support reform and the pain that would naturally come from a Green government – it would spell financial disaster for the whole lot of us. 

Why do we see everything as separate -- either / or?  It’s either X or Y or Z.  Why not all of the above?  The opportunity for us all is to stop factionalizing risk (KRA’s) and political approaches.  I’m waiting for the birth / emergence of the Rainbow Party…or the Integral Party.  A party that is made up of diverse individuals who see the relationship between things and who see and manage the emergence of what all human beings have in common -- a party that puts no one issue ahead of any other.  Somebody is going to have to start this party – someone with very deep pockets is going to have to fund this party.  I just hope to God that Gen Y’s and whatever tribes that follow grow up to be the ones to usher in a much needed integral & whole approach to public service (and everything else)!

Are the topics discussed today related?  What is the possibility or opportunity to create the thinking required to eliminate separateness in everything we do?  What is the cost of not?  What role do you play in the proliferation of separateness? 

Do you or your company do "leaving" well?

I remember back in my late 20's I enrolled myself into what I will call "facilitator school".  Up until then I was a lone wolf, deeply shy, intense, moody and didn't feel much of real connection to people in my small world.  I did have a sense that my life's work would involve working with / helping people, but up until that point there was nothing objective to substantiate that view.  Then as I said I went to "facilitator school" and a whole new world opened up to me.  A world comprised of exquisite relationships and a shared craving to "make a difference".  After my first experience at said school, the next day I told my Dad I loved him & I got complete with him (closure).  The impact of that one conversation on me was truly massive, life changing in fact.   It had me embark on a journey to get complete with everyone in my past (& I mean everyone), to share and be authentic as a daily practice and to be driven by a sense of what was possible in every area of my life.  It was a wondrous period of my life and I will be eternally grateful to the people who had a role in getting me in and developing me over what was a period of around 5 years.  Most of them I have not seen in years but can genuinely say - I truly love you!

I remember being in a staff training (at facilitator school) and the then CEO said to a room full of people.  "You know we really don't do leaving well".  Whenever someone decided to leave - while on the surface it was ok - in the background the perception was "they were leaving the tribe" "they had broken their word".  A kind of righteousness that immediately adversely impacted reputations and relationships. 

Do you or your company do "leaving" well?  What is the impact of not doing "leaving well"?  I as well eventually left both a staff & volunteer positions.  For those of us who don't do it well - why don't we?  Is it because we are pissed off because a member of the tribe is now myopically & commercially viewed (SDI Orange & Tribal Leadership Stage 3) to be competing with us?  Is it because we don't feel we got the return for the investment in them?  Is it misplaced or un-communicated sorrow?  Are we making it mean something about ourselves, our strategic plans for growth & commercial success?  I ask the question particularly of those individuals & companies in the transformational / change industry?  For those in that industry - one could arguably say the success & lives you / we now enjoy are largely attributable to "transformational points of view & practices".  Why do we stop those practices when dealing with people who leave our organization?  If we loved them once - how come we stop loving them?  If the people who leave are still driven by the same values / noble cause but they decide for whatever reason to do it somewhere else - why do we stop loving them?  Don't we need larger networks of relationships to accomplish the changes we all crave for - not smaller one's?  Inside of what structure of thinking do we have it be smaller?

When I did leave this organization and other ones after that and even with some individual relationships - the experience was the same for me.  Awful!  I write all of this pointing the finger equally at myself.  In spite of working in the arena of leading others - I have come to realize recently that over time - I forgot or stopped doing the basic practices that allowed for what was once viewed as living a life that I loved.  The minute a little bit of financial success came my way - it became about something else and slowly the quality of my professional life diminished -  before I knew it years had passed, relationships I thought to be timeless (5 minutes back with them and it feels like you never left) - we're far from that.  Sobering and embarrassing for me.

As part of a tele-seminar I am taking - we were asked as part of our homework to join Linkedin.  I had resisted social networking sites for a long time but thought I would give it a go.  From the start confronted with how bad I have been at maintaining relationships - embarrassed because I was being updated on people lives online (how come I didn’t know - how come they didn't tell me?) and then I had to confront the task of re-connecting.  Many people we're absolutely fantastic - we fell in love again - and professionally - opportunities emerged.  With others - it broke my heart!  No response, "I don't know this person" or superficial tick the box responses that broke my heart.  If we loved each other once (as friends or professionals) how come that has changed for you? When in spite of time elapsing it has not changed for me, particularly with those who are in the transformational / change industry.  I decided that I was responsible and that I should move on...or at least I tried. 

The course I am taking says we are either known by stereotype, reputation or values.  Most of us they would assert are known by stereotype, but mostly by reputation.  Reputation as that which has been decided about you by others over the course of years   - largely unknown to you - for which we are however completely responsible.  So while from this point on it is my intention to be known by my values / purpose in life / noble cause - I won't be able to make anywhere near the difference I want to in life without more people in my tribe – I / we need people.  I need you.  I love you.  I'm sorry for my part (known & unknown).

So while I did not do this particular course (at facilitator school) - I am putting before anyone who declined to respond or did the tick the box version to provide me with some insight as to my role / responsibility  in the decay of our relationship (other than time) the following questions.  Please feel free to respond if you feel inclined to:

What was it like working with me? / What if anything was left unsaid for you?  If you were to badmouth me / gossip about me what would you say?  What do I need to know about myself or your experience of working with me that I may be in the dark about?  Did I ever let you down or hurt you?

If I sent you the link for this first ever blog - it is because you are either one of the people I would love to reconnect with, learn from or to share the journey that I am on.  Don't be taken aback or surprised to know that I love you - you would be surprised to know the impact you have had on people - even if only a few precious moments at facilitator school, in a developmental conversation, in exquisite moments in front of the room or over dinner.    Love Joe

All insights courtesy of "Tribal Leadership" www.culturesync.net  and Landmark Education.  Responses to the questions can be emailed to me at joe@amberwise.com.au  or if you want confidentiality julie@amberwise.com.au 

Feel free to forward to anyone you think might benefit. 

All future blogs forward looking only!